Turning point

I really feel that I have reached a turning point in my grieving process regarding my divorce. While it hurts, I know it is for the best. I have actually known that all along, but I really get it now.

My marriage served its purpose, but it is no longer a relationship that serves me as a person. It doesn’t serve my husband either.

Before my husband walked out of our second and last marriage counseling appointment mid-session, he explained that he has inadequacy issues and has always had them throughout our entire marriage. I have always had a ton of guy friends. Most of them are ex-boyfriends or guys I’ve at least had sex with once. I am a very sexually open-minded person and woman and I don’t see anything wrong with that. He knew both of those things before we even became a couple. Even after we began seeing each other, he said he didn’t have a problem with me spending time with my guy friends, but it turns out that he does and always did.

How the fuck was I supposed to know that if he never told me and pretty much lied to my face when I asked him? The answer is that I am not. I have been blaming myself trying to figure out why I am not good enough or what I could have done differently or whatever. While is is great to be able to take a personal inventory and learn lessons from mistakes made, it is never ok for that to become self-deprecating. Are there things I could have done better? Absolutely! Does that mean the marriage would still have not ended? Probably not. I can’t play the shoulda coulda woulda game and drive myself crazy, though. I just can’t.

This doesn’t mean that I am finished grieving the loss of my marriage, but it does mean that I feel I am over the peak. It also means that I can be free to retain the friendship I have with my husband. He is, after all, my best friend and I will always cherish that.

Going back and forth

There are days that I am strong and I know this is for the best and then there are times when I am talking to a friend who just called to check on me that I want to cry my eyeballs out. Going back and forth is so confusing. Oh, and then there’s me being PISSED OFF!

When we were talking, I asked my husband why he even married me to begin with. He said it was because I wanted him to. What the fuck kind of response is that? Apparently he didn’t marry me because he loved me so much and wanted to make that type of commitment. No. He married me because it was what I wanted. How insulting!!

I know us breaking up eventually will be a good thing. It will give me an opportunity to find what I really want, what I need with someone else. He doesn’t deserve me.

I also realized that I never need to be involved with an older man again. I need to be with someone my own age. I need someone who understands me and is from the same generation as I am. I used to think age is just a number, but I realize now that it means more.

I want someone who will delight in celebrating holidays that are special to me. From the second Christmas my husband and I spent together and on, I do not get birthday gifts, Valentines day gifts, Christmas gifts, Mother’s day gifts or hardly anything. I am surprised he even celebrated our first wedding anniversary. I only get gifts or have a holiday or special day acknowledged when I ride his ass to do it. I shouldn’t have to do that.

I am grateful that there are people in my life who keep from doing the stupid, ridiculous, crazy things that I want to do to myself right now, because I’m hurting. Part of me just wants to run away by myself, but I have a daughter to care for. Another part of me just wants to go have some anonymous sex somewhere with someone who doesn’t care about me and for whom I don’t care either. I don’t know why I want to do that, but I just do. I have also thought about getting really drunk, but that would probably involve me driving home that way, which wouldn’t be good either.

I have to remember that this too shall pass and when it is really hard, I just try to focus on breathing.

Finding grace

One minute, I’m a pillar of strength and the next, I just want to dissolve into a puddle of tears on the floor. This roller coaster is not the good kind and I want it to go away quickly.

I had coffee with a really old friend of mine last night. He helped me find some clarity in this situation and while I see that this breakup with my husband is actually for the best, that doesn’t make it hurt any less.

My friend helped me confront some very real feelings. I do not want to be married to my husband or anyone else. I am not attracted to my husband anymore. I want to be free. I don’t want to be tied down to anyone anymore. I am a free spirit. I love deeply and authentically, sometimes more than one.

Even with all of this realization, I grieve my marriage and the relationship with my husband. I am overcome with sadness for what has been lost. As I process this, I know the light at the end of the proverbial tunnel will become more apparent.

I just want to shut down.

Last night, my husband and I had a long conversation about our relationship. He thinks that the damage is irreparable and that we can’t fix it. I kind of think he’s right. We each blame the other, but above all, he blames me for going to college and creating a divergent life path. He’s unwilling to change his life path for me. I can understand that.

Breathing right now is my only focus. One breath at a time. Inhale. Exhale. Repeat. My mind is a clusterfuck of fear, insecurity, and pain.

I can’t eat. I want to retreat to sleep. I cried myself to sleep last night and I woke up crying.

We also closed on our first home together yesterday. It should have been one of the happiest days of my life, but it turned out to be one of the worst.

People always tell me that I am the strongest person they have ever known, or at least one of the strongest. And something tells me I will get through this, but right now, I have to find the strength to just breathe. I am devastated. I knew my marriage was over, but it is one thing to know and another to have your partner confirm it.

Now, I’m faced with the stress of moving along with this crap. I feel so overwhelmed I want to vomit.

I feel like my heart is breaking.

It has taken me a while to figure out that I can’t brute force this relationship (or any) to work. I can’t will it to work. It takes two to tango.

Someone advised me last night to just stop saying “I love you” to my husband since each time he doesn’t respond, it stabs the knife in a little deeper. Consciously making the choice to not say anything at all hurts too. I keep wondering when this will get easier or if it ever will. I keep trying to figure out a way to make it work. I can’t.

I waited so long to get married. I turned down three other people!! I wanted to make sure it was right, because I never wanted it to end. In reality, I think this marriage ended before it began.

I keep trying to figure out what is wrong with me? Everyone leaves in my life. Why am I such a terrible person that no one stays?

When will this lump in my chest go away? Will there ever be a time I am not on the verge of tears? How long will this anguish continue? Will I ever find love again?

Today I realized my marriage is over.

Today I realized my marriage is over. We have been together for a little less than six years, but married just over a year and this is how it ends. I feel overcome with grief, anger, loneliness, sadness, and insecurity.

I have been thinking the past few days about my and my husband’s relationship. I’ve been counting the number of times that he tenderly kisses me when I come home from a long day or when he responds to me telling him, “I love you.” I have only counted one response and no times that he has kissed me. I usually kiss him. The only time he responded with an “I love you,” he mumbled it as if it was some obligatory response because he felt he should say something. The rest of the times, he just didn’t respond at all.

I realized that I have been the one trying to save this marriage. I think he stopped a long time ago. I have been the one pushing for it to stay as if sheer willpower, brute force, and determination could make it survive. I have been the one carrying the torch. I can’t do that anymore.

My spirituality in a nutshell

I have long shied away from organized religion. I feel most comfortable describing my beliefs as being more spiritual than religious. Cliche, I know, but that’s me, nonetheless.

I believe that we are all one human family and it is up to each of us to honor the piece of God that is within ourselves and each other. Does this mean that I don’t get mad at people or have a bad attitude every now and then? Hell, no! I am not perfect, but I strive to progress to being a better a person every single day.

Feeling helpless

I have a good friend who has been down on her luck for quite some time, actually years… I have tried to help her out as much as I can. She has basically been homeless for several months now. She is currently staying with some of her friends who are staying in a house one of their friends owns, but one that is due to be demolished as soon as they find somewhere else to go. Anyway, my friend is getting kicked out for crazy reasons and she has absolutely nowhere else to go.

Love, not fear

A decade ago, I read the first installment of Conversations With God by Neale Donald Walsch. My first impression was rejoicing that I was not crazy. My spiritual beliefs were validated and I could not put the book down or refrain from excitedly calling close friends or family to discuss what I was reading. I had no idea where my long held spiritual beliefs came from, I only knew them to be true for me. The book put them in black and white and made me realize that I was not alone.

One of the things that CWG emphasizes is the importance of walking in love and not fear. Fear and love are opposites. You may think that hate is the antithesis of love, but in reality, hate is derived from fear. That’s a powerful concept when you think about it.

I love him. I love him not.

Sometimes I wonder if my thoughts of leaving my husband are an attempt to sabotage myself, because somewhere deep inside of me, I’m not sure I’m worth it. I don’t know, but in an effort to break the cycle of my past, I feel compelled to figure it out.

I love my husband very much, but I’m not sure that I’m in love with him. Sometimes I watch these sappy love stories (you know, the Nicholas Sparks type) and I realize how cheated I feel in my relationship. I didn’t have a real wedding. We went to the courthouse and got married. It seemed like the thing to do after living together for four years. I was headed into my last semester of college and we were a one income family. We are blessed that my husband makes pretty good money, but there are still times when finances are tight. We didn’t have thousands of dollars at the time to plunk down on a wedding, so we decided to get married the cheap and easy way. I feel disappointed every single time I look at the box containing what should have been my wedding dress. I bought it on sale from David’s Bridal for less than $100 and I didn’t settle. It is exactly what I wanted. I also feel disappointed, because I bought my engagement and wedding rings for myself. My husband didn’t spend hours trying to determine what I would like and figuring out the best way to propose to me. It just kind of happened. Mother’s Day is right around the corner and I know that if I don’t buy myself something, there won’t be anything, so I caught a deal on a diamond necklace I really love and I bought it for myself. I will still be disappointed, but at least I will have something. When I’m out at a restaurant or at the movies or whatever, I see these couples that are obviously so in love and I wish my relationship was that way. I am lucky if my husband takes me out to dinner even once a month and then its usually to the same restaurant for the same thing, then its back home for more video games for him.