Today I realized my marriage is over.

Today I realized my marriage is over. We have been together for a little less than six years, but married just over a year and this is how it ends. I feel overcome with grief, anger, loneliness, sadness, and insecurity.

I have been thinking the past few days about my and my husband’s relationship. I’ve been counting the number of times that he tenderly kisses me when I come home from a long day or when he responds to me telling him, “I love you.” I have only counted one response and no times that he has kissed me. I usually kiss him. The only time he responded with an “I love you,” he mumbled it as if it was some obligatory response because he felt he should say something. The rest of the times, he just didn’t respond at all.

I realized that I have been the one trying to save this marriage. I think he stopped a long time ago. I have been the one pushing for it to stay as if sheer willpower, brute force, and determination could make it survive. I have been the one carrying the torch. I can’t do that anymore.

My dearest love,

I will miss you from the depths of my soul. You touched a part of me that no one has ever touched and you saw me, the REAL ME. It was the FIRST time I ever completely showed myself to anyone. I never thought we would be here. I trusted you to never leave me. I don’t know how to fix this. I’m afraid the damage is irreparable. I’m so angry with you, because I feel abandoned by you. Everyone leaves. I know this. My life has taught me this. You said you would never leave, but that’s just what you’ve done.

The next two years are going to be hell – living like roommates pretending to be together as we further separate our lives. I need to stay with you to give my daughter stability. I need to stay to say goodbye to you.

Even as I sit here with tears streaming down my face and my heart breaking into a million pieces, I cannot fathom my life without you in it, but that is just what it will be. I cannot stay with someone who doesn’t want to be present in my life.

I’m so torn. Do I stay in a situation that I know is secure or do I leave to have a chance at the happiness I deserve? Do I stay because it’s enough or do I go, because I might be able to find it all somewhere out there? What do I do?

I know what you’ll say when I am gone. You’ll say that I stayed to get through school and jumpstart my career. You’ll think that I’ve used you for stability. In reality, I wanted a future with you, but I won’t stay to my own detriment. I just won’t.

I wasn’t ready to say goodbye until today when I realized that our marriage, our life together, our relationship is over. I realized that the “I love you” sentiments have vanished for you. I realized that I have kept pushing, but you have stopped trying.

I deserve better. The man who once loved me would have told me so.

I will miss you like I’ve never missed anyone before. A chunk of my heart goes with you.

Thank you for teaching me to love myself. I wish we could have had forever.

Love, with all my heart,

Me

Today I realized my marriage is over.

8 thoughts on “Today I realized my marriage is over.”

      • lukeychats says:

        If there’s one thing that just sucks beyond words it’s breaking up with someone you had so much with. Nothing anyone says to make you feel better can begin to be on the same level that your hurting😔 I’m sorry you are going through this. I hope you have some good friends to hang with and help you through. It’s gonna be tough but it will heal in time. Try not to spend too much time alone, as hard as it can be make sure you surround yourself with your besties, this is their time to do the bestie job😊 and if you ever need a chat or have shit besties feel free to message anytime👍🏻
        If it’s any help whatsoever I want you to know that reading your post, it came across so real, sad and genuine and you definitely seem to know your making the right choice. As much as it hurts your actually already heading to a happier future and it’s so brave of you to do it so honestly and with the right reasons. 💪💪 be strong at the same time let the tears run crazy, they are only proof of how much you put into it which you can be proud of. 💙

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  2. lukeychats says:
    Reply

    😌 arg big cyber hug coming your way wherever you are superstar. You keep your head up, if it’s possible you should try get away for a night or two over the weekend. If not with a bestie then with your family, whoever is not going to think any less of you seeing you with piles of used tissues, runny nose and bad hair😊 Turn your phone off for a day so you don’t get caught up in texts or arguing or chatting to people you know aren’t helping the situation. I think too many people in these situations think they are helping by talking with you about it all but it always ends up just making you retell and relive all the bad stuff and “what ifs” or “why didn’t he do this?” “How come he couldn’t see?” “What do you think he’s doing now?” You know the stuff I’m saying, it’s honestly useless and makes you more confused. You already know why you made this decision and you gotta do your best to only respond to stuff that helps you move forward, so you can mend and heal as quick as possible!
    One thing I like to do whenever I’m feeling heaps down is write a letter. Not really to anyone maybe myself I guess, but just a letter about everything that I’m feeling. Where I am at that moment and where I’d like to be. It’s amazing how once pen hits paper, you start un jumbling all the stuff in your head and start answering your own questions.
    I know you have a daughter to worry about amongst all this too, but let yourself be a little bit selfish for just a little while and put yourself first so you can get yourself feeling the best you can and that will make you be the best mum you can. All I mean by that is if there’s stuff your not ready to deal with and questions and annoying crap (who gets what furniture, custody, bills) all the shitty stuff, there’s plenty of time to go over that stuff, and you are only going to get yourself upset trying to figure it all out now.

    Omg I’ve written a novel I’m sorry I’ll stop haha!

    💪💪💪💪 your gonna be fine

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