I will be the first person to admit that I am not the most pleasant person under pressure. I can be demanding, short tempered, bitchy, annoying, and needy. I am also not a great test taker. It usually doesn’t matter how well I’ve studied, I generally get an exam and I start freaking out. I have to talk to myself in my brain to make myself calm down, so I don’t forget everything I studied. I *usually* end up doing pretty well, unless I forget to sleep.
During finals, my diet generally consists of bananas and peanut butter eaten straight from the jar with a spoon. I don’t leave my office or my computer for hours on end and I do practice questions, study guides, and etc. over and over and over again. I am not attempting to memorize the questions. I am plotting my strategy to get through similar problems. It is a long, arduous process.
My sister called today to say that she and my mom will be here close to graduation, but that they have to leave the day of my graduation. My sister is moving my mom to be close to her and it requires that she fly in, my mom meets her at my house, and then they drive 2000 miles. I understand that’s a long drive and my sister has a life that doesn’t revolve around me or my mom, but why in the hell would she even come out and spend any time if she’s not going to my graduation?!
This goal to attain my bachelor’s degree has been seven (yes, I said SEVEN) years in the making. I changed majors a few times, transferred schools across the country, and got two associate degrees before transferring to a university. This goal isn’t all about me, either. It represents a lot of hard work from my sister, my mom, my daughter, and my husband as well. I feel like it is a huge slap in the face to not have my sister or my mom at my graduation and the party I’ve organized for that evening.
My husband called me earlier this afternoon to tell me that he had an accident at work and he was at an urgent care facility. He told me that one of his big toenails what halfway off and he needed to see a doctor. I was immediately irritated, because I have removed two of my toenails myself, without a doctor, and even though it was incredibly painful, I got through it just fine.
Spring break was last week. It was a crazy time. I crammed all day for the GMAT on Monday, then I took the exam on Tuesday. I didn’t do very well. I took a prep course, but that was a year and a half ago. I thought that my math degree would help me, but I was so nervous about taking the exam that I only got four hours of sleep the night before. My exhaustion and my ADHD were off the charts. I refuse to medicate my ADHD as it just makes me feel like I’m on speed, so I rely on self-taught coping mechanisms for support. They don’t work very well when I’m anxious, exhausted, and frustrated. I should have known that.
I feel like I’m fucking drowning this week. I have so much going on and there’s so much to do. Yesterday I went to an interview, spent time with a special friend, met up with another friend for lunch, and then I was supposed to go home and work on homework, but instead, I went home and fell asleep. I must have just been exhausted. I woke up around 11PM and then didn’t go back to sleep until around 3 AM.
I say all the time that you better watch what you say, because our words create things in our lives. I believe we are always in the process of creating our own realities with our thoughts, words, and actions.
I realized today that I’m not sure I want it to work out with my husband. That’s weird to say, since I do love him, but I think I have fallen out of love with him and I’m not sure what I can do fall in love with him again or even if I want to. Our life paths have changed and they aren’t going the same direction. I am getting ready to begin my career while he is at the end of his. He is happy to just stay home and play video games and I want to go and do and experience. Nothing is the matter with either one of our circumstances. They’re just… different.
So, my husband finally took a shower last night. He hadn’t taken a shower since February 7th. I am actually letting him sleep with me and the bedroom already smells like his nasty breath, because he hasn’t brushed his teeth today… GEEZ!!! I won’t go to bed tonight until I’m too exhausted to stay awake or I won’t be able to deal with the smell or his snoring.
This is my anthem for today. It means so much more to me than just recent happenings in my relationship…
You know the bed feels warmer
Sleeping here alone
You know I dream in color
And do the things I want
You think you got the best of me
Think you’ve had the last laugh
Bet you think that everything good is gone
Think you left me broken down
Think that I’d come running back
Baby you don’t know me, cause you’re dead wrong
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger
Stand a little taller
Doesn’t mean I’m lonely when I’m alone
What doesn’t kill you makes a fighter
Footsteps even lighter
Doesn’t mean I’m over cause you’re gone
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, stronger
Just me, myself and I
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger
Stand a little taller
Doesn’t mean I’m lonely when I’m alone
You heard that I was starting over with someone new
They told you I was moving on, over you
You didn’t think that I’d come back
I’d come back swinging
You try to break me, but you see
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger
Stand a little taller
Doesn’t mean I’m lonely when I’m alone
What doesn’t kill you makes a fighter
Footsteps even lighter
Doesn’t mean I’m over cause you’re gone
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, stronger
Just me, myself and I
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger
Stand a little taller
Doesn’t mean I’m lonely when I’m alone
Thanks to you I got a new thing started
Thanks to you I’m not the broken hearted
Thanks to you I’m finally thinking about me
You know in the end the day you left was just my beginning
In the end
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger
Stand a little taller
Doesn’t mean I’m lonely when I’m alone
What doesn’t kill you makes a fighter
Footsteps even lighter
Doesn’t mean I’m over cause you’re gone
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, stronger
Just me, myself and I
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger
Stand a little taller
Doesn’t mean I’m lonely when I’m alone
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, stronger
Just me, myself and I
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger
Stand a little taller
Doesn’t mean I’m lonely when I’m alone
“This above all, to this own self be true… [then] thou canst not be false to any man” -Shakespeare, advice to Laertes in Hamlet
If you tell someone that you value them or that you want to be their friend or whatever, fucking act like it! There are so many people that humdrum about their daily lives saying shit they don’t mean. I believe part of what’s wrong with the world is that people say what will get them through their days without drama. We need a degree of drama in our lives… It keeps things real, raw, genuine, and honest. That’s my opinion, anyway. You have to shake things up if you want to invite excitement, spontaneity, and positive change into your life.
“Living with integrity means: Not settling for less than what you know you deserve in your relationships. Asking for what you want and need from others. Speaking your truth, even though it might create conflict or tension. Behaving in ways that are in harmony with your personal values. Making choices based on what you believe, and not what others believe.” – Barbara De Angelis
This quote resonates so deeply with me today. Sometimes, because of my past, I don’t always make choices based on what I actually want. I do what I feel I have to do to get what I need. Sometimes this means that I hold back in relationships, because I’m scared of being vulnerable and abandoned. My life has taught me that I should be appreciative that life isn’t really THAT bad. I suppose it could be a good thing that I can compromise and choose to see the good in my life. But, it is incredibly fucked up when my THAT bad is far worse than what most people think.
I will be the first person to admit that I am not the most pleasant person under pressure. I can be demanding, short tempered, bitchy, annoying, and needy. I am also not a great test taker. It usually doesn’t matter how well I’ve studied, I generally get an exam and I start freaking out. I have to talk to myself in my brain to make myself calm down, so I don’t forget everything I studied. I *usually* end up doing pretty well, unless I forget to sleep.
Releasing My Inner Rockstar 