Turning point

I really feel that I have reached a turning point in my grieving process regarding my divorce. While it hurts, I know it is for the best. I have actually known that all along, but I really get it now.

My marriage served its purpose, but it is no longer a relationship that serves me as a person. It doesn’t serve my husband either.

Before my husband walked out of our second and last marriage counseling appointment mid-session, he explained that he has inadequacy issues and has always had them throughout our entire marriage. I have always had a ton of guy friends. Most of them are ex-boyfriends or guys I’ve at least had sex with once. I am a very sexually open-minded person and woman and I don’t see anything wrong with that. He knew both of those things before we even became a couple. Even after we began seeing each other, he said he didn’t have a problem with me spending time with my guy friends, but it turns out that he does and always did.

How the fuck was I supposed to know that if he never told me and pretty much lied to my face when I asked him? The answer is that I am not. I have been blaming myself trying to figure out why I am not good enough or what I could have done differently or whatever. While is is great to be able to take a personal inventory and learn lessons from mistakes made, it is never ok for that to become self-deprecating. Are there things I could have done better? Absolutely! Does that mean the marriage would still have not ended? Probably not. I can’t play the shoulda coulda woulda game and drive myself crazy, though. I just can’t.

This doesn’t mean that I am finished grieving the loss of my marriage, but it does mean that I feel I am over the peak. It also means that I can be free to retain the friendship I have with my husband. He is, after all, my best friend and I will always cherish that.