There are days that I am strong and I know this is for the best and then there are times when I am talking to a friend who just called to check on me that I want to cry my eyeballs out. Going back and forth is so confusing. Oh, and then there’s me being PISSED OFF!
When we were talking, I asked my husband why he even married me to begin with. He said it was because I wanted him to. What the fuck kind of response is that? Apparently he didn’t marry me because he loved me so much and wanted to make that type of commitment. No. He married me because it was what I wanted. How insulting!!
I know us breaking up eventually will be a good thing. It will give me an opportunity to find what I really want, what I need with someone else. He doesn’t deserve me.
I also realized that I never need to be involved with an older man again. I need to be with someone my own age. I need someone who understands me and is from the same generation as I am. I used to think age is just a number, but I realize now that it means more.
I want someone who will delight in celebrating holidays that are special to me. From the second Christmas my husband and I spent together and on, I do not get birthday gifts, Valentines day gifts, Christmas gifts, Mother’s day gifts or hardly anything. I am surprised he even celebrated our first wedding anniversary. I only get gifts or have a holiday or special day acknowledged when I ride his ass to do it. I shouldn’t have to do that.
I am grateful that there are people in my life who keep from doing the stupid, ridiculous, crazy things that I want to do to myself right now, because I’m hurting. Part of me just wants to run away by myself, but I have a daughter to care for. Another part of me just wants to go have some anonymous sex somewhere with someone who doesn’t care about me and for whom I don’t care either. I don’t know why I want to do that, but I just do. I have also thought about getting really drunk, but that would probably involve me driving home that way, which wouldn’t be good either.
I have to remember that this too shall pass and when it is really hard, I just try to focus on breathing.