I just want to shut down.

Last night, my husband and I had a long conversation about our relationship. He thinks that the damage is irreparable and that we can’t fix it. I kind of think he’s right. We each blame the other, but above all, he blames me for going to college and creating a divergent life path. He’s unwilling to change his life path for me. I can understand that.

Breathing right now is my only focus. One breath at a time. Inhale. Exhale. Repeat. My mind is a clusterfuck of fear, insecurity, and pain.

I can’t eat. I want to retreat to sleep. I cried myself to sleep last night and I woke up crying.

We also closed on our first home together yesterday. It should have been one of the happiest days of my life, but it turned out to be one of the worst.

People always tell me that I am the strongest person they have ever known, or at least one of the strongest. And something tells me I will get through this, but right now, I have to find the strength to just breathe. I am devastated. I knew my marriage was over, but it is one thing to know and another to have your partner confirm it.

Now, I’m faced with the stress of moving along with this crap. I feel so overwhelmed I want to vomit.

Love, not fear

A decade ago, I read the first installment of Conversations With God by Neale Donald Walsch. My first impression was rejoicing that I was not crazy. My spiritual beliefs were validated and I could not put the book down or refrain from excitedly calling close friends or family to discuss what I was reading. I had no idea where my long held spiritual beliefs came from, I only knew them to be true for me. The book put them in black and white and made me realize that I was not alone.

One of the things that CWG emphasizes is the importance of walking in love and not fear. Fear and love are opposites. You may think that hate is the antithesis of love, but in reality, hate is derived from fear. That’s a powerful concept when you think about it.

I love him. I love him not.

Sometimes I wonder if my thoughts of leaving my husband are an attempt to sabotage myself, because somewhere deep inside of me, I’m not sure I’m worth it. I don’t know, but in an effort to break the cycle of my past, I feel compelled to figure it out.

I love my husband very much, but I’m not sure that I’m in love with him. Sometimes I watch these sappy love stories (you know, the Nicholas Sparks type) and I realize how cheated I feel in my relationship. I didn’t have a real wedding. We went to the courthouse and got married. It seemed like the thing to do after living together for four years. I was headed into my last semester of college and we were a one income family. We are blessed that my husband makes pretty good money, but there are still times when finances are tight. We didn’t have thousands of dollars at the time to plunk down on a wedding, so we decided to get married the cheap and easy way. I feel disappointed every single time I look at the box containing what should have been my wedding dress. I bought it on sale from David’s Bridal for less than $100 and I didn’t settle. It is exactly what I wanted. I also feel disappointed, because I bought my engagement and wedding rings for myself. My husband didn’t spend hours trying to determine what I would like and figuring out the best way to propose to me. It just kind of happened. Mother’s Day is right around the corner and I know that if I don’t buy myself something, there won’t be anything, so I caught a deal on a diamond necklace I really love and I bought it for myself. I will still be disappointed, but at least I will have something. When I’m out at a restaurant or at the movies or whatever, I see these couples that are obviously so in love and I wish my relationship was that way. I am lucky if my husband takes me out to dinner even once a month and then its usually to the same restaurant for the same thing, then its back home for more video games for him.

Drowning

I feel like I’m fucking drowning this week. I have so much going on and there’s so much to do. Yesterday I went to an interview, spent time with a special friend, met up with another friend for lunch, and then I was supposed to go home and work on homework, but instead, I went home and fell asleep. I must have just been exhausted. I woke up around 11PM and then didn’t go back to sleep until around 3 AM.

True

“Living with integrity means: Not settling for less than what you know you deserve in your relationships. Asking for what you want and need from others. Speaking your truth, even though it might create conflict or tension. Behaving in ways that are in harmony with your personal values. Making choices based on what you believe, and not what others believe.” – Barbara De Angelis

This quote resonates so deeply with me today. Sometimes, because of my past, I don’t always make choices based on what I actually want. I do what I feel I have to do to get what I need. Sometimes this means that I hold back in relationships, because I’m scared of being vulnerable and abandoned. My life has taught me that I should be appreciative that life isn’t really THAT bad. I suppose it could be a good thing that I can compromise and choose to see the good in my life. But, it is incredibly fucked up when my THAT bad is far worse than what most people think.